After looking back at my first draft, I noticed that there was a few things that needed improvement. The main thing was organization. Almost every student and teacher that read my paper suggest I organize my paper. The problem with an unorganized paper is that the reader has trouble following the purpose of the essay. Another issue with my first drat was the relation to Gee. I didn’t relate my paper enough to Gee. I would describe my artifacts, but I wouldn’t show the relationship with Gee. Relating my discourse to Gee is the main purpose of the essay. I also think I could have done a better job describing my artifacts and how they were important to hockey. I need to make my paper very clear for the reader. One last thing that I thought I could improve on was grammar. I had to many grammar issues that made it difficult for the reader to understand. Grammar is something that I shouldn’t be messing up on. After re reading it a couple of times, I was able to fix these mistakes.
After finishing my final copy, there was big improvements as far as organization. I made my paper very clear for the reader. I start out by stating the purpose of the essay, that hockey players are the toughest athletes. I then get into describing how Gees artifacts relate to my discourse. Throughout the essay I use different articles with quotes that show that you toughness when playing hockey. All of these quotes were relatable and matched my topic of discussion. In my first draft, the quotes didn’t relate to my topic. Thats what made my paper unorganized. With my final copy, I made sure to make the topic is to understand and follow throughout the entire essay. Every quote was relatable to being tough in hockey. I also made sure to relate each artifact to Gee.
When meeting with Mr. Cripps and having my fellow classmates review my essay, they told me that I needed to improve on describing my artifacts and the importance of them. My rough consisted of me just listing my artifacts and not describing them or relating them to Gee. After receiving feedback from Mr.Cripps and my classmates I was able to fix this problem and make my essay more clear for the reader. Describing quotes is very important when writing an essay because it shows the reasoning behind putting the quote in the essay.
An important part of developing as a writer is the ability to critique others work. In doing so, you have to be able to spot mistakes and be able to tell them whats right and whats wrong. When critiquing my partners work on this essay, I was able to get good ideas from there readings. Before critiquing there papers, I was unsure of my essay. My paper was unorganized and didn’t follow the prompt. After reading a few papers, I was able to get a better understanding of the prompt. Critiquing others work allows you see things that you may not have seen before. It helps you get good ideas. Everyone thinks differently so its good to see what others are thinking.
In my essay I make it clear in the intro that my essay is about the toughness in hockey relating to Gee. Throughout my essay I use quotes from different articles that all can relate to Gee. I made sure that every quote is similar and relates to toughness. In my first draft, the quotes were all over the place. They were all about hockey but didn’t have the same discussion. The setup of my paper is an intro and then body paragraphs discussing why you have to be tough to play hockey. I than follow that up with a conclusion that sums of the entire essay.
As I stated earlier, my first draft was unorganized. I had good artifacts but I didn’t do a good enough job relating it too Gee. After reviewing my first draft, I knew that the most important thing would be making sure my paper was clear for the reader. I started off by making a sketch of what would be discussed in each paragraph and which quotes I would use to relate to Gee. After doing this, it made it very easy for me to write my paper.
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