Author: smichaud1

After looking back at my first draft, I noticed that there was a few things that needed improvement. The main thing was organization. Almost every student and teacher that read my paper suggest I organize my paper. The problem with an unorganized paper is that the reader has trouble following the purpose of the essay. Another issue with my first drat was the relation to Gee. I didn’t relate my paper enough to Gee. I would describe my artifacts, but I wouldn’t show the relationship with Gee. Relating my discourse to Gee is the main purpose of the essay. I also think I could have done a better job describing my artifacts and how they were important to hockey. I need to make my paper very clear for the reader. One last thing that I thought I could improve on was grammar. I had to many grammar issues that made it difficult for the reader to understand. Grammar is something that I shouldn’t be messing up on. After re reading it a couple of times, I was able to fix these mistakes.

After finishing my final copy, there was big improvements as far as organization. I made my paper very clear for the reader. I start out by stating the purpose of the essay, that hockey players are the toughest athletes. I then get into describing how Gees artifacts relate to my discourse. Throughout the essay I use different articles with quotes that show that you toughness when playing hockey. All of these quotes were relatable and matched my topic of discussion.  In my first draft, the quotes didn’t relate to my topic. Thats what made my paper unorganized. With my final copy, I made sure to make the topic is to understand and follow throughout the entire essay. Every quote was relatable to being tough in hockey. I also made sure to relate each artifact to Gee.

When meeting with Mr. Cripps and having my fellow classmates review my essay, they told me that I needed to improve on describing my artifacts and the importance of them. My rough consisted of me just listing my artifacts and not describing them or relating them to Gee. After receiving feedback from Mr.Cripps and my classmates I was able to fix this problem and make my essay more clear for the reader. Describing quotes is very important when writing an essay because it shows the reasoning behind putting the quote in the essay.

An important part of developing as a writer is the ability to critique others work. In doing so, you have to be able to spot mistakes and be able to tell them whats right and whats wrong. When critiquing my partners work on this essay, I was able to get good ideas from there readings.  Before critiquing there papers, I was unsure of my essay. My paper was unorganized and didn’t follow the prompt. After reading a few papers, I was able to get a better understanding of the prompt. Critiquing others work allows you see things that you may not have seen before. It helps you get good ideas. Everyone thinks differently so its good to see what others are thinking.

In my essay I make it clear in the intro that my essay is about the toughness in hockey relating to Gee. Throughout my essay I use quotes from different articles that all can relate to Gee. I made sure that every quote is similar and relates to toughness. In my first draft, the quotes were all over the place. They were all about hockey but didn’t have the same discussion. The setup of my paper is an intro and then body paragraphs discussing why you have to be tough to play hockey. I than follow that up with a conclusion that sums of the entire essay.

As I stated earlier, my first draft was unorganized. I had good artifacts but I didn’t do a good enough job relating it too Gee. After reviewing my first draft, I knew that the most important thing would be making sure my paper was clear for the reader. I started off by making a sketch of what would be discussed in each paragraph and which quotes I would use to relate to Gee. After doing this, it made it very easy for me to write my paper.

“collreadwrit2e”

hour and a half

After looking back at my first draft, I noticed that there was a few things that needed improvement. The main thing was organization. Almost every student and teacher that read my paper suggest I organize my paper. The problem with an unorganized paper is that the reader has trouble following the purpose of the essay. Another issue with my first drat was the relation to Gee. I didn’t relate my paper enough to Gee. I would describe my artifacts, but I wouldn’t show the relationship with Gee. Relating my discourse to Gee is the main purpose of the essay. I also think I could have done a better job describing my artifacts and how they were important to hockey. I need to make my paper very clear for the reader. One last thing that I thought I could improve on was grammar. I had to many grammar issues that made it difficult for the reader to understand. Grammar is something that I shouldn’t be messing up on. After re reading it a couple of times, I was able to fix these mistakes.

 

After finishing my final copy, there was big improvements as far as organization. I made my paper very clear for the reader. I start out by stating the purpose of the essay, that hockey players are the toughest athletes. I then get into describing how Gees artifacts relate to my discourse. Throughout the essay I use different articles with quotes that show that you toughness when playing hockey. All of these quotes were relatable and matched my topic of discussion.  In my first draft, the quotes didn’t relate to my topic. Thats what made my paper unorganized. With my final copy, I made sure to make the topic is to understand and follow throughout the entire essay. Every quote was relatable to being tough in hockey. I also made sure to relate each artifact to Gee.

 

When meeting with Mr. Cripps and having my fellow classmates review my essay, they told me that I needed to improve on describing my artifacts and the importance of them. My rough consisted of me just listing my artifacts and not describing them or relating them to Gee. After receiving feedback from Mr.Cripps and my classmates I was able to fix this problem and make my essay more clear for the reader. Describing quotes is very important when writing an essay because it shows the reasoning behind putting the quote in the essay.

 

An important part of developing as a writer is the ability to critique others work. In doing so, you have to be able to spot mistakes and be able to tell them whats right and whats wrong. When critiquing my partners work on this essay, I was able to get good ideas from there readings.  Before critiquing there papers, I was unsure of my essay. My paper was unorganized and didn’t follow the prompt. After reading a few papers, I was able to get a better understanding of the prompt. Critiquing others work allows you see things that you may not have seen before. It helps you get good ideas. Everyone thinks differently so its good to see what others are thinking.

 

In my essay I make it clear in the intro that my essay is about the toughness in hockey relating to Gee. Throughout my essay I use quotes from different articles that all can relate to Gee. I made sure that every quote is similar and relates to toughness. In my first draft, the quotes were all over the place. They were all about hockey but didn’t have the same discussion. The setup of my paper is an intro and then body paragraphs discussing why you have to be tough to play hockey. I than follow that up with a conclusion that sums of the entire essay.

 

As I stated earlier, my first draft was unorganized. I had good artifacts but I didn’t do a good enough job relating it too Gee. After reviewing my first draft, I knew that the most important thing would be making sure my paper was clear for the reader. I started off by making a sketch of what would be discussed in each paragraph and which quotes I would use to relate to Gee. After doing this, it made it very easy for me to write my paper.

 

“collreadwrit2e”

hour and a half

1. Write 1-3 sentences that frame the larger context or issue to which your paper speaks.In my essay, I will discuss the different hockey artifacts. These artifacts evolve in what makes a hockey player a hockey player. Hockey players are different from every other athlete. This essay will help better understand that. 
2. Write 2-4 sentences that help establish your credibility by signaling whose texts you’ll engage and how you’ll engage those texts. If done effectively, it is quite possible to also weave in brief mention of the ideas you’ll engage to signal “what you’ll show” in the paper. I read three different articles discussing hockey. Theses three articles all consisted of artifacts that help the reader get a better understanding of the sport of hockey.  My artifacts  are relatable to Gee in many ways. They show how the difference in dominant and non dominance can affect ones career status.
3. 1-3 sentences that move from the “what you’ll show” as you engage specific texts to your view on the issue. Throughout this article I will show you how my artifacts are similar to Gee and how these artifacts are important when think about joining the sport of hockey.

“collreadwrit2e”

30 min

 

The first article I read was “The Rules Of Ice Hockey” by realbuzz.com. In this article it discussed many artifacts. Some which include saying/writing, doing, being, valuing, believing and combinations. The  saying/writing included the author describing offsides and icing. These are two very important rules in ice hockey and is something everyone who plays hockey understands.  The doing part was when the author made a quote saying that “the object of the game is to score more goals than the other team.” This is the doing part because its basic goal in hockey and that is to win. The being part which means what identities are relevant. For this part I wrote thateach team can have a maximum of 2o players including two goalies.  The valuing part is what’s said to be most important to hockey players. For this I wrote that hockey is “one of the fastest flowing sports in the world.” This is what hockey players take pride in. For the believing part I wrote that the “referee (who wears the orange stripe) controls the game and makes the final decision.” The combinations part is that the blue lines and red lines combine to make different zones in the rink.  These are good examples of artifacts that I found in the article.

In this article I discuss the article “The Rules of Ice Hockey”. I go through each of the artifacts involved in this passage. This way the author can get a better understanding of hockey.  I could do a better job relating to Gee. I could do a better job describing the importance of each of these artifacts.

 

 

In the article Ice Hockey by Gerald Eskenazi, the saying/writing artifact is that hockey is a french word for coquet (shepherds stick). I thought this was pretty interesting and relevant to hockey. The doing part is that Wayne Gretzky dominated the NHL in the eightys.  The being part is that the Boston Bruins were the very first american team to join the NHL. This is relevant because they played a huge role in developing hockey in america. The valuing part is that in the late 1800’s hockey was competing with lacrosse as Canadas most popular sports. Hockey is something that canadiens value very much.  The believing part is that hockey is known to be Canadas game. Everyone believes that Canada is the best at hockey.  The combinations is that the NHL started with 6 teams and now has 30. This shows the development of all the teams.  These are just a few good artifacts that I found in this article. 

In this article I describe the article “Ice Hockey”. I list all of the artifacts. I should do a better job describing these and how they relate to Gee.  I could also do a better job relating them to the previous article.

Another article I read was Hockey Players Are The Toughest by Andrew Podnieks/IIHF. This article discussed how tough hockey players are. The saying/writing part was that Ice hockey is the most demanding team sport in the world. This is very true. The doing part is that strength in american football, is usually brute force, but in hockey that strength must be used to a creative end otherwise its useless. This discusses how challenging hockey is. The being part is that to face the snapshots of the pros these days, nerve is a 60 minute prerogative. This is an example of what it takes to play hockey. The valuing part is that they play a sport that is more physically demanding than any other- 60 minutes in a confined area with no comfort zone out of bounds- but they play with an ambition,love, and determination that is unparalleled. The believing part is what is known. For the believing part I wrote that goalies may not be quite as quick as a table tennis player, but replace the ping pong ball with a puck hurtling at 160 km/h at your face and the degree of difficulty is surely weighted toward the goalie.  The combinations part is two components that are combined. For this I put down the quote “ And lets face it, to asses the action on the ice while players are skating at upwards of 25km/h is a lot more challenging than the much slower paces of “ground sports” like American football or soccer, where players, without the aid of skates, move far slower than hockey players. This talks about the development of all the different skills it takes to play hockey.

In this paragraph  I discuss “Hockey Players Are The Toughest”. I answer each of the artifacts. I do a better job describing the artifacts in this paragraph. I still need to relate to Gee and the other articles. 

 

After reading these articles, I noticed that there are many things I didn’t know about hockey including the meaning of the word “hockey”. All of these articles describe the hockey discourse. What I mean by that is what it takes to be a hockey player. Some of these artifacts show some of the things that you come across while playing and taking part in hockey. My discourse can relate to Gees article in many ways. One of these ways includes  how Gee describes the Dominate and Non Dominant discourse. These artifacts include sayings, doings, believing and more. There are many discourses in this world. They involve many different actions. I have been playing hockey since I was two years old, so I know a little bit about hockey.  I know more than your average hockey player. There is still a lot to learn an gain from the sport of hockey.  Overall I think that the hockey discourse is something that can be interesting to anyone.

“collreadwrit2e”

45 min

The first paragraph I thought I could do a better job introducing what my discourse and what I am going to talk about. Right now I just discussed what a discourse is. I should discuss hockey and relate it to Gees.

The next paragraph I want to revise is the second paragraph. Here I should make it clear what a dominant and non dominant discourse is with hockey. Once I do this the reader will be more engaged and enjoy reading the rest of my article.

You know what they say, hockey is a sport of its own. Hockey players tend to be a lot different than your average athlete.  “Discourse are “saying” (writing)-doing-being-valuing-believing combinations.” (Gee 6) There are many discourse in this world. These discourses tend to separate people into certain groups relating to that discourse. These discourses are all different and involve people with all different interest. Some discourses involve around sports, some involve around animals and the environment. These are just a few examples of what discourse can be. An example I like to use when describing discourse is looking in a school cafeteria, and seeing all the different types of groups, or should I say discourses.  You’ll see all the athletes sitting together, all the academic genius and all other groups separated at different tables. It’s not that they forced to sit with these groups, it’s just they choose to because they are apart of that certain discourse. My discourse falls into that category. I play hockey, so  I tend to hangout with athletes because we share a common discourse. We have the same interest in hockey. Almost everyone on the hockey team has been playing hockey for almost ten years. As you continue playing hockey, you develop certain traits that only hockey players would understand. Some of these traits include certain vocabulary, certain clothing and how you act in general. What I mean by vocabulary is terms like sauce, top cheese, bardown and plenty more. If you don’t play hockey, chances are you don’t have a clue what they mean. These are terms you catch on to when playing hockey. With the clothing part, it’s a lot of brands like bauer, lululemon and team merchandise. These are brands that are usually only found on hockey players.  Hockey players act different than most athletes. We tend to be different in our own way.

 

Hockey can be a dominant and non dominate sport. It all depends on the level you participate in. I would be considered a non dominate discourse because I don’t get paid to play. However professional hockey player that make enough money to make a living are in the  discourse. With hockey everyone starts out in the dominant discourse. You have to train and practice a lot to make it too the dominant discourse. There are many professional leagues that provide decent money including the NHL,AHL, and Europe leagues. The NHL being the highest paid league. The first article I read was “The Rules Of Ice Hockey” by realbuzz.com. In this article it discussed many artifacts. Some which include saying/writing, doing, being, valuing, believing and combinations. The  saying/writing included the author describing offsides and icing. These are two very important rules in ice hockey and is something everyone who plays hockey understands.  The doing part was when the author made a quote saying that “the object of the game is to score more goals than the other team.” This is the doing part because its basic goal in hockey and that is to win. The being part which means what identities are relevant. For this part I wrote that each team can have a maximum of 2o players including two goalies.  The valuing part is what’s said to be most important to hockey players. For this I wrote that hockey is “one of the fastest flowing sports in the world.” This is what hockey players take pride in. For the believing part I wrote that the “referee (who wears the orange stripe) controls the game and makes the final decision.” The combinations part is that the blue lines and red lines combine to make different zones in the rink.  These are good examples of artifacts that I found in the article.

“collreadwrit2e”

1 Hour

After writing my first draft and getting feedback from my fellow classmates and teachers, I realized that I need to be more organized and do a better job relating my artifacts to Gee. I also noticed that I need to make it clear what the purpose of my essay is about.  Right now its unorganized. I have good artifacts, I just need to do a better job describing them. After looking up manuscript revisions I realized that they are very detailed in corrections. I prefer the basic edits such as “describe more” or “move this to entertain the reader more”. Im not a fan of that type of revision. I think its too complicated and complex. I like keeping it simple. The more concise version is more clear for the reader. The longer one can get boring. Less is more when writing. I think a big part of me editing my essay is going to be organizing it and making it more clear for the reader. I think that overall I have good artifacts and I can turn it into a really good essay. I think I also need to do a better job relating my artifacts to Gee. Once I do these, I will have a really good essay.

“collreadwrit2e”

1 hour

 

 

• Artifacts. Do your peers find that you have good, meaty, juicy artifacts from your Discourse? Rich artifacts offer good pieces of language for analysis. If peers raised some questions about details on your Discourse, or about evidence, perhaps you need to locate a better artifact (or two). Describe your plan of action. My peers felt that I had artifacts with my essay. They did feel that I should describe my quotes more and relate them to Gee. With this being said, I am going to use better description and show why  my quote is relatable to Gees passage. 
• If you have the right kinds of artifacts, are you getting good “pieces of language” from them into your project? Peers should be helping you out by noting that the evidence to support your points about how your Discourse works is or isn’t quite there. Try to describe the kinds of language you need to work to add. This can help you as you revisit your sources to locate language to analyze. I need to relate my quote more to Gees Discoure. I need my reader to understand the purpose of my essay. Right now, theres not enough evidence.
• Remember: Even though you’ve now been writing about Discourse for awhile, your reader is not necessarily aware of the theories/concepts. Look at the ways you set up and introduce the project. What might you want/need to do to help a reader get on board with your project? This may mean that you want a paragraph to develop the idea of Discourse and of Discourse analysis. Such a paragraph might become the first body paragraph. I need a better introduction to capture the readers attention. I need to describe what a hockey discourse is.
• Consider how your peers responded to your “Note to Peers” blog post. What other substantive suggestions did your peers make? How do you imagine addressing the suggestions that strike you as important to engage? They thought I had good information. They did think I need to organize everything better. With that being said, I am going to start by making a better introduction on what a hockey discourse is. Than I will move intro three body paragraphs relating to Gee. I will finish with a conclusion that overviews everything.
• 30 minutes
•  “collreadwrit2e”

 

My main question is “have I showed the discourse that people gain when playing hockey.” I used a few examples from the artifacts to show what hockey players are familiar with than other athletes may not understand.

I believe I have made it clear that when playing hockey, you pick up a certain discourse, that only players can understand. I used good examples that show hockey is different than other sports.

I think I need help relating my artifacts to each other. This way I will be able to use a combination that will make the reader understand my point more clearly.

My number one concern about my paper is that I am not using the citations and artifacts correctly. I also want to make sure my paper is very organized.

“collreadwrit2e”

30 min

Paragraph 1

We understand from Gee that a Discourse may be primary, secondary, dominant, or non-dominant. Where do you locate your chosen Discourse in that framework? In your response, engage with a specific passage from Gee that defines/explains that kind of Discourse and  attempt to provide some evidence (from your artifacts) to support your interpretation.  If no single category fits, might you have a Discourse we might consider “hybrid”? Might that enable you to ADD TO or CHALLENGE Gee’s categories?

I would say that my discourse of hockey is a secondary discourse. The reason why I think that hockey is my secondary discourse is because a secondary discourse is  “learned through social institutions”. With hockey, we participate as a team everyday and we have to make time in our schedule because its very important to us. The reason that its not a primary discourse is because were not doing it for a living. Hockey isn’t our job that we get paid for to make a living. If hockey was to be my primary discourse I would have to be considered a professional.

Paragraph 2

The relationship between my secondary discourse and the combination of doing,being,valuing and believing is many things. Once you start playing hockey, you get involved with all of these trends as time goes on. Some examples of the combinations would be the doing phase. Everyone knows that one of the doing phase is to score more goals than the other team. The being part for hockey is that every team is too only dress 20 players and three goalies. Something that most people in hockey value is that, it is one of the fastest flowing sports in the world and takes a lot of skill to play. These are just a few examples of these combinations relate to most people involved in hockey. I believe that if you are passionate about the sport of hockey, then you will know most of these combinations.

 

Time: 2 hours

collreadwrit2e

Chosen Discourse= Hockey

 

Artifacts:

1. https://www.britannica.com/sports/ice-hockey

2. http://www.ducksters.com/sports/hockey.php

Discourse Analysis:

The Rules of Ice Hockey

Gee’s Building Tasks of Discourse Analysis – A Simplified Worksheet (Sam Michaud)

Ice Hockey

Gee’s Building Tasks of Discourse Analysis – A Simplified Worksheet Sam Michaud

Photos of Annotating: 

The Rules of Ice Hockey

 

Ice Hockey

 

After reading these artifacts about Ice Hockey and completing the Discourse analysis, I was able to link each of these articles and compare them. They were both very similar. When reading the article The Rules of Ice Hockey, I noticed that they kept it pretty basic. They stated the rules of the game including Offsides and Icing. I put these in the category saying/writing because they are very relevant when playing. For the category Doing, I wrote the objective is too score more than the other team. Thats how you win games. In the category Being, I wrote that each team is only allowed 20 players and two goalies. This shows the identity. Valuing is what social goods are relevant. For this category I put the quote “that hockey is considered to be “One of the fastest flowing sports in the world.” Believing is what is know as the truth. I put down that “The referee (who wears the orange stripe) controls the game and makes the final decision.” For Combinations I put down ,The blue lines and red lines combine to make different zones in the rink. This is the combination of two parts that make up the rink. In the article Ice Hockey, the facts are very similar. Some new facts I learned were “Hockey- French word for hoquet (shepherds stick).” I wrote that down in the say/writing category. Ive always wondered where the name came from. In the Doing category, I wrote, Wayne Gretzky dominated the NHL in the eighties. Gretzky is a big part in why hockey is so popular. For the Being category, I wrote that the Boston Bruins were the first american team to join the NHL. This is important in the being category because the Boston Bruins first helped developed the popularity of hockey in the US. Canada hockey was competing with lacrosse in the 1800’s as the most popular sport. This is valuable for hockey. In the Believing category I wrote, Hockey is known to be Canada’s sport. That is a statement believed worldwide. In the combinations category I wrote that the NHL started with 6 teams and now has 30. This shows how both Canada and the US combined to make the sport more popular.

2 1/2 hours

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