Category: ENG123

What I’ve discovered about my draft through this process of revision is that I need to do more explaining on certain pieces of evidence that I provide. If I do more explaining and give examples, the paper itself may seem more like it actually was written by me and can’t be claimed by anybody else. I could use more creative language so the information is more interesting to my readers and doesn’t become boring. I also need to work on incorporating my own analysis of ideas into the paper so my paragraphs do not just consist of the evidence I found from the artifacts I’m using. As a way of making my paper more interesting, I could look harder into the artifacts I found to look for any new relevant information that would be interesting for my readers and maybe things I didn’t even know about the Discourse itself. I need to determine if any of the information I write about will lead to a dead end (or multiple dead ends) and make an awkward spot in my essay where there is no way to come back. To finalize my paper, I need to develop my conclusion so all of my information gets tied together. Lastly, I need to cite my sources as well.

collreadwrit2e

After writing my first draft and getting feedback from my fellow classmates and teachers, I realized that I need to be more organized and do a better job relating my artifacts to Gee. I also noticed that I need to make it clear what the purpose of my essay is about.  Right now its unorganized. I have good artifacts, I just need to do a better job describing them. After looking up manuscript revisions I realized that they are very detailed in corrections. I prefer the basic edits such as “describe more” or “move this to entertain the reader more”. Im not a fan of that type of revision. I think its too complicated and complex. I like keeping it simple. The more concise version is more clear for the reader. The longer one can get boring. Less is more when writing. I think a big part of me editing my essay is going to be organizing it and making it more clear for the reader. I think that overall I have good artifacts and I can turn it into a really good essay. I think I also need to do a better job relating my artifacts to Gee. Once I do these, I will have a really good essay.

“collreadwrit2e”

1 hour

 

 

• Artifacts. Do your peers find that you have good, meaty, juicy artifacts from your Discourse? Rich artifacts offer good pieces of language for analysis. If peers raised some questions about details on your Discourse, or about evidence, perhaps you need to locate a better artifact (or two). Describe your plan of action. My peers felt that I had artifacts with my essay. They did feel that I should describe my quotes more and relate them to Gee. With this being said, I am going to use better description and show why  my quote is relatable to Gees passage. 
• If you have the right kinds of artifacts, are you getting good “pieces of language” from them into your project? Peers should be helping you out by noting that the evidence to support your points about how your Discourse works is or isn’t quite there. Try to describe the kinds of language you need to work to add. This can help you as you revisit your sources to locate language to analyze. I need to relate my quote more to Gees Discoure. I need my reader to understand the purpose of my essay. Right now, theres not enough evidence.
• Remember: Even though you’ve now been writing about Discourse for awhile, your reader is not necessarily aware of the theories/concepts. Look at the ways you set up and introduce the project. What might you want/need to do to help a reader get on board with your project? This may mean that you want a paragraph to develop the idea of Discourse and of Discourse analysis. Such a paragraph might become the first body paragraph. I need a better introduction to capture the readers attention. I need to describe what a hockey discourse is.
• Consider how your peers responded to your “Note to Peers” blog post. What other substantive suggestions did your peers make? How do you imagine addressing the suggestions that strike you as important to engage? They thought I had good information. They did think I need to organize everything better. With that being said, I am going to start by making a better introduction on what a hockey discourse is. Than I will move intro three body paragraphs relating to Gee. I will finish with a conclusion that overviews everything.
• 30 minutes
•  “collreadwrit2e”

 

1. My peers didn’t note anything about the artifacts that I chose to incorporate, however they told me I need to add a better analysis of them in my own words to help describe them more. For this, I plan to go back and re-read my paper and locate any areas where I can add details or put things in my own words.
2. My peers didn’t tell me that the evidence I chose wasn’t working, they all told me that they like the examples I gave. All I need to do, like i said in number 1, is to add more detail and expand on those ideas.
3. To get a reader on board with the Discourse project I need to connect and explain more how being a veterinarian is in fact a Discourse. For this I can explain how being a veterinarian is an identity for some people and how that is the basis of a Discourse.
4. The only really serious comments my peers left were to add more detail and then to add my own analysis at the end of each idea. To me, these were the most important areas where I’m going to focus most of my time on during the revision process.

34 minutes

collreadwrit2e

The main problem I am having is the ability to get my point across. I am unsure if I completely understand the prompt, so if you guys have any advice on whether I am going in the right direction or not that would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I made the point that the dentistry discourse being a dominant secondary discourse is clear. If not then please specify where I should make it more clear. I think I need more help on integrating the building task, if there is any opinions on how I can improve the flow of talking about the building task I would love to hear it. I don’t really know if I am actually introducing them correctly in the paper it is something I know I need to go back too. Also my last paragraph is struggling, I understand. I am honestly at a real lost with this assignment so any help would be greatly appreciated.

collreadwrit2e

time on task 20min

My main question is “have I showed the discourse that people gain when playing hockey.” I used a few examples from the artifacts to show what hockey players are familiar with than other athletes may not understand.

I believe I have made it clear that when playing hockey, you pick up a certain discourse, that only players can understand. I used good examples that show hockey is different than other sports.

I think I need help relating my artifacts to each other. This way I will be able to use a combination that will make the reader understand my point more clearly.

My number one concern about my paper is that I am not using the citations and artifacts correctly. I also want to make sure my paper is very organized.

“collreadwrit2e”

30 min

• My main question I am writing about is “how can you tell if some one is in the printing discourse”?
• The main idea I hope to get across with my final draft is how you can tell if some one is in the Discourse.
• I feel like I need help with incorporating good artifacts to help my reader better understand how you can tell if some one is a printmaker.
• With my revision I would like to know how I should end my essay. Should I be restating the question? Some ways I answered the question? Also where I should add my artifacts and making sure my paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next.

Time on task: 15 minutes

collreadwrit2e

The main problem I am having is the ability to get my point across. I am unsure if I completely understand the prompt, so if you guys have any advice on whether I am going in the right direction or not that would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I made the point that the dentistry discourse being a dominant secondary discourse is clear. If not then please specify where I should make it more clear. I think I need more help on integrating the building task, if there is any opinions on how I can improve the flow of talking about the building task I would love to hear it. I don’t really know if I am actually introducing them correctly in the paper it is something I know I need to go back too. Also my last paragraph is struggling, I understand. I am honestly at a real lost with this assignment so any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

collreadwrit2e

Main Problem:

When i got to where i am now in my paper, i got stuck on what i should talk about next. Should i mention more building tasks, or explore another question like are there “tests” that you can do to become apart of the discourse.

I feel like, i have done a good job of integrating outside sources to help support my discourse

I feel like i need help with, what i need to do next, or what should i talk about next. Also if i should talk about more building tasks or move away from those.

My number one concern right now would be what should i talk about next, and if i should talk about more building tasks or not.

 

collreadwrit2a

15 min

The main question or problem my writing seeks to address is I guess, whether being a veterinarian is actually a Discourse (saying/writing – doing – being – valuing – believing).

The idea or point I feel I’ve made successfully is that being a veterinarian is a Discourse, more specifically a Dominant Discourse. Also, that being a veterinarian goes along with Gee’s “saying (writing) – doing – being – valuing – believing.”

The idea or point I feel I need help with is maybe clarifying or expanding on the ideas I have already presented in my paper. Maybe ideas aren’t clear enough and need more explanation?

My number one concern about my paper is whether or not all of my ideas – paragraphs tie together nicely and create a smooth flowing paper for my readers.

I definitely need help from my peers on creating a title for my paper, and forming a conclusion so that everything gets connected back to my main claim, and summarizes everything I have talked about.

collreadwrit2e

15 minutes